I Heard it Through the Grapevine...

...that the States are getting a bunch of snow. So I thought I'd be helpful and put together a serious guide on how to avoid this weekend's snowy (insert dramatic music)...DUN DUN DUN...

Yes folks...

     You see, snow is nothing to laugh at. It's all white, fluffy and suspicious (just like those baby rabbits they sell in the mall pet stores). And since the East coast freaks out at the mere hint of the stuff (looking at you D.C.), I'm putting together this thorough and helpful guide based on my vast experience of Ukrainian winter combined with a dash of common sense on the side.
     First, don't go out. It's that simple. Plan ahead and get all the stuff you need before everyone else ruins the roads for you. This is especially helpful if you are the President of the greatest nation on earth and you happened to get stuck out with all the plebes on the D.C. highways due to the devastatingly and terrifyingly soul-crippling 1 inch of snow. See, if you had just planned those extra fund-raising stops for a warmer month like July, none of that would have happened.
     Second, if you do have to go out, winter tires on the car are a must. Despite the ramblings of the less experienced, four-wheel drive or all-wheel drive will only help so much. And it doesn't make up for a lack of experience. Confidence does not outweigh experience. As much as I want to extol the virtues of one of my favorite vehicles, a two-wheel drive car will do just fine on a good set of winter tires in a snowstorm. Although, a lift kit, big tires, one-ton axles, flat belly skid plate, 50" light bar, rock lights, a 10,000lb winch, and heated cup holders won't hurt.
     Third, drive like everyone else on the road is trying to kill you. Seriously, they are. That is all.
     Fourth, be ready for the cold by wearing many pieces of warm clothing and keeping a blanket (or several) in your car. When you inevitably spin out due to the all-seasons scrabbling unsuccessfully for grip on the icy ground, you can sit warm and comfortable until the rescue crews come to dig you out. Or if you're lucky, a helpful Jeep-driver will come along with his amazing machine of awesome and kindly pull your rolling speedbump out of the ditch.
     Lastly, if you absolutely, positively, need to go out to get your double-venti-frappe-soy-mocha-vanilla-no-foam-responsibly-sourced-cappacino, PLEASE CLEAR EVERY LAST TRACE OF SNOW OFF OF YOUR CAR! No one likes having their windshield smashed in by a chunk of flying icy/snowy death that tried to take flight like a chicken at an Alice Cooper concert. If you decide to drive around in a car that looks like it's been at the center of an explosion in a feather-and-glue factory, then I have one thing to say to you.

This will all end in tears, I know it.    -Marvin the Paranoid Android

     Thus concludes our guide. Thank you for reading this helpful and thoughtful tutorial on surviving the impending and quite scary Snowpocalypstormageddonizzard!!! of 2016. This is a terrible time in the nation's history with the many millimeters of snow soon to blanket the East Coast. Remember to be careful and drive safe and we will all get through this terrible time together. I'm glad I was able to prepare this guide for you. It is my hope that it will save many lives.

     But seriously guys...